When relationships are getting damaged or beginning to fail, couples are usually believing some or all of these six myths.  See if you have any of these beliefs:

Myth #1.    I don’t have to do any special kind of work on the relationship to make it good…it will just happen.

While some relationships seem to just work effortlessly at first, after some time additional skills may be needed to make the relationship work.   For example, at first there may be enough natural excitement to keep the relationship feeling rewarding.  But if someone in the couple stops doing the things that keep the relationship fresh, it will get stale.  If you stop going out on dates, things will probably get boring and someone will end up feeling unloved. 

Hurts and resentments build over time.  If you don’t do things to talk through and repair these small damages to the relationship, they end up turning into big issues that drive a wedge between the couple.

Myth #2.     Once it’s damaged it’s over…there’s no way to repair the damage.

Some people believe that there is nothing they can do to fix hurts and resentments that they have triggered in their partner.  Also, sometimes a person doesn’t want to fix the damage.  They may feel they were right or justified in saying hurtful things.  More often, a person just doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t believe it will be helpful, or has a belief that repair just isn’t possible.  In that last case, they may believe it’s better to just move on, sweep it under the carpet or hope it disappears.

Repair is possible…and highly recommended.  Usually repair involves:

a)      Listening to your partner’s upset without interrupting, defending or explaining why what you did was okay.

b)      Let him/her know that you regret doing something hurtful.

c)      Apologize.  Let him/her know you don’t want to do hurtful things again.

If you’re not sure how to give a good apology, take a look at this article on my website.

Myth #3.   My partner won’t ever change – why even try to go down that road.

I come across this belief a lot.  It’s understandable, but just not true.  People really do change, I see it frequently.  The thing that gets in the way of change is:

a)   Belief it’s not possible.

b)   Fear you’ll lose your real identity  – that you won’t be yourself if you change.

c)   Fear you are just becoming a doormat for your partner…that you lose authority and respect if you change for another. 

d)   Not knowing what change is the right one, or how to do it.

Change is actually more about growth:  becoming a better person, being more effective in the world and in relationships.

If appropriate change is not happening, I recommend you talk to a therapist about that.  A couples therapist would be a likely place to start.  Your couples therapist will help you identify the kind of change that will help you become a more effective person in the world and in your relationship.  I believe everybody can grow and change is positive ways.  The end result of that is more happiness for yourself and your partner.

Myth #4.   I’ll never get the love I desire from my current partner.

Many people have this belief about their partner.  The reality is that many couples who come into couples therapy do improve their relationship.  People do change, relationships do get better.  Relationships that were distant and damaged do become close, loving and definitely repaired.

Now, there is no guarantee of that.  If you are hesitant to do things differently, then nothing will change.

Myth #5.    If your partner doesn’t see things your way, it’s because he/she is defective.

Yes, people really do see things differently than you and it doesn’t mean one of you is wrong.  I see this one frequently in my office when working with couples:  both partners are arguing about what happened during a certain event that created tension between them.  They both remember the same event differently.  The thing is…it doesn’t matter that much…you may not ever agree on the details.  The more important matter is how to work it out.  This means smoothing things over between you two.  Maybe, this means to try an apology, maybe with a plan on how to do it better next time.  And maybe this means acknowledging how the other person is feeling.

Myth #6.  Men and Women live in the same reality.  

Okay, some of this may be obvious…but men and women are different.  Not just physically different, but in how they experience reality.  These differences create some of the biggest problems in marriages.

Usually, women seem to live in a more emotional reality.  When women are sharing their feelings, they need a response that acknowledges what they are feeling.  If the man is trying to argue a point logically, he is not responding to what a woman is actually saying.  He is taking an emotional discussion and trying to turn it into a logical one.  You probably know the results:  she gets angrier, and both of you end up feeling frustrated and distant.

The solution is to learn how to read the nature of the conversation: is it one that is logical, or one that requires an emotional response.  The emotional response is one that involves: listening and understanding another’s point of view without arguing about how she is feeling.

If you want to find more strategies to improve your relationship, you may find the articles on my website useful.

If you try working on any of the strategies mentioned in this blog, I would be like to hear how it went.  You can comment below, here on this page, or send me an email.  If you have suggestions for future blog topics, I’d love to hear about it.

Here’s what the happiest couples are doing:

• Listening to each other. This always means stopping your own thought process while you are listening. Stop thinking of what you are going to say next and really listen. If you continue to think about your response, you are not really listening. One of the best ways to show you are listening is to repeat back what you hear your partner saying.

• Comparing your to-do list to your partners. Then move your partners top priority items to the top of your list – at least some of the time. Here’s what this means: When you think about all the things that are important to you to do around the house and list them…we can call that your to-do list. Your partner also has his or her own list. While your list is important to you and does require your attention…picking an item from near the top of your partner’s list and doing it for them usually is very well received.

• Thinking about what would make the other happy. You likely know what would make you happy, but do you know what would make your partner happy. We tend to think the same things that we like will also be what our partner likes. This is frequently not true. Sort out in your mind what they actually do want. It is likely they used to tell you and may have finally given up…or perhaps they are still trying to let you know.

• Giving your partner attention when they call or enter the room to talk to you. Your partner is likely the most important person in your life (or was the most important before the relationship got into trouble). You can show the other how important they are to you by answering your phone when they call, or giving them your attention when they enter the room and want to talk to you. If they are thoughtful, they will not necessarily expect your attention if you are watching your favorite show on TV, but, when they enter the room to talk to you, give your partner your full attention, even if this means turning down the volume or turning off the TV to help you focus on one of the most important people in your life.

• Going out on dates. Couples don’t thrive if they are not going out on dates. A date refers to just the couple going out alone. It’s not a date if your children, other family members or friends are there. A date doesn’t have to cost money. You can go to the beach or for a walk.

• Active sex life. The most successful couples seem to be having sex. But you can’t push the other to do it or force them into it. If they are not into it, you may be doing something that is either turning them off or making their sex drive disappear. Perhaps you haven’t been setting the mood well enough, or haven’t apologized for the last conflict (or maybe the last 20 conflicts). Perhaps you have not been demonstrating any flirting or other behaviors that show you like your partner in the days preceding your last attempt to initiate sex.

• Having a list of baby sitters. To go out on dates, if you have children, you will need a babysitter. The most successful couples have a list of trustworthy babysitters. Don’t stop at one person on your list. That’s a great start but aim for at least three.

• Watching your partner’s reactions to what you are saying, and changing what you are saying if you see them reacting unhappily or tuning out. If you are talking and you see your partner get uncomfortable or tune you out, don’t keep talking. Stop what you are doing and find out what their reaction is to what you are saying. In a calm and peaceful manner talk about the issue. Be careful to not keep on talking if they are not able to take in or hear what you are saying.  Ask them how they are doing.  The connection between you two is way more important than the details of what you were saying.

There are many other things that the happiest couples are doing. The items mentioned on this list are issues that commonly show up in couples counseling. You may be able to use these suggestions very successfully at home. If they don’t seem to be working for you, you may want to talk to a couples therapist to get some help in moving forward and making your relationship thrive.

You can get more tips for creating a happier relationship at www.donwallach.com.

When a conflict is beginning, we tend to think that we know what we are talking about and the other person is wrong.  While this could be true, when an argument is escalating towards bickering, heighted emotion and possibly an emotional explosion, something else is happening.  Once the emotion gets too high, you are no longer thinking so clearly and it is time to pull back, get out of the conversation or try something to repair the emotional distance and damage that is starting.

I’m going to talk about three ways to reduce the damage and improve the communication between you and your spouse.

Recognizing you are losing control of yourself
 
The number one thing to do is recognize that you, not just your partner is starting to lose control.  Then determine, should you get out of the argument, or are you capable or changing your direction and trying some communication skills.

If you are able to do the communication skills, you may try this:                   

• Active listening: paraphrasing what the other person is saying and ask if you are understanding them correctly.
• Re-phrase what you are trying to say, but explain it in a toned down way.  And that it is just from your point of view.  In this case, you are recognizing out loud that there are other reasonable points of view.

And if you are not able to do the communication skills, it may be best to get out of the argument.  This next section will help you recognize if you need to retreat temporarily from the argument. 

The feeling that is not your friend

Feelings are natural parts of being human.  And in general, feelings are useful to express, whether it’s sadness, happiness, anger (in appropriate ways), fear, anxiety, disappointment, and all the others.  Except for one…and with couples I am working with, I sometimes call that feeling “the feeling that is not your friend”.  This is the feeling or sensation that occurs when the argument is heading out of control.  You can’t think clearly, your words come out distorted…you may even hear a tremor or shakiness in your voice.  You start getting too aggressive in your comments.  You are barely listening to what your partner is sharing – just quickly shooting down their argument and pressuring them with your next come back.

From a brain standpoint, what is happening is that you are “thinking” at this point with the center part of your brain.  This is sometimes called the animal brain or the lizard brain.  It is a more primitive part of our brain structure.  The outer most layer of the brain is the cortex, this is the part of the brain that is the most human…the other animals don’t have it.  That’s where logic and higher level thinking occurs.  So what do you do with this awareness of your brain? 

Well, here’s the strategy.  You want to get the cortex working again as quickly as possible, or end the argument, coming back to it later.

To get your cortex back online quickly, try this: 

•  Take a deep breath.  The brain is the biggest consumer of oxygen in your body.  Without enough oxygen, your cortex won’t work well… and your brain will fall back to using more of the animal brain.    Plus, pausing to take a deep breath activates cortical thinking.  That’s because you have to become more conscious just to realize what is happening and to tell yourself to take a deep breath – which means you are activating your cortex.
• Recognize that you are losing control and tell yourself that. Becoming conscious of it is a major step towards turning things around. 
  
• Decide if it’s time for you to take a time out.  

The right use of time outs

Someone in the couple frequently will complain about time outs.  Usually one person always wants to fight out every argument without pause until they are done, and the other wants to flee the argument, finding themselves pursued by the other.  One pursues, the other flees. 

There is a remedy for this.  It does involve taking space for a while.  The partner that always pursues is always upset to hear me say this in couples counseling.  But there is hope here…because there is a better way to do this.

Here’s how it works:   

• The person who needs space announces they need some space.
• Before they leave, they say when they are willing to continue the discussion.
• The other person agrees to meet at the later time.  If it seems too far away or is not a good time they can try to negotiate the time.  But if the argument is too heated and one person really needs space quickly, there may not be much time for negotiating.  The person who needs to leave should be supported in leaving quickly.

The final part of this process is that the person who left, comes back at the time they agreed upon, to continue the discussion.

For couples who try this approach to heated arguments, things will usually get better, trust increases, and affection can return to the relationship.

If you found these tips useful, you’ll want to take a look at some of the articles about relationships on my website: www.donwallach.com.

Especially, take a look at:

·     Repairing your Marriage: The Art of Coming Home From Work

·     After the Baby is Born: Restoring Passion in Your Marriage 

·     Apologies that Work: “The Reparative Apology”